pictures shall describe my current emotions
mrs tan's last day with us was also the last day of term 2.
so gonna miss you and your tutorials.
aww crap, so many things happening, so little time to adjust to all of them.
one small step forward can just as well bring you all the way back to the starting line.
why isnt this feeling going away.
The previous week's been really exhausting.
celebrated grandma's birthday over at my house, bbq!
MUAHAHA the many many bbq-ed marshmellows i had, awesome.
happy birthday grandma! and may God bless you and keep you healthy and strong always.
but ohwell, last week of school this week, and half of it's alr gone.
had physics post-electricity test on tuesday first thing in the morning, and had GP test today.
another Gp test tomorrow, on content, which we SERIOUSLY gotta mug for it if not we'll know nuts about it. and not to forget, the chemical bonding test too.
the korean students had their last day here today!
there were 3 korean students who were with our class for a cultural trip in singapore and i was supposed to be the buddy of one of them.
and the one whom i was the buddy of was one who broke her leg quite recently in korea and hence she had to move about in a wheelchair. she could hop about tho. :D
so hence jordan became 'wheelchair boy' to the korean students.
but seriously! couldnt help but just go help push her around when i saw her wheeling herself. aww.
gifts that they gave to us before they left. thanks! :D
and amanda! gosh saw you twice today la but you didnt even look at me.
what kind of admin og friend are you man. rawrr you.
anw it was kinda sad to part with the korean students, tho we've only been properly 'together' for like, half a day only.
they were cheerful! and jovial.
and even tho she was wheelchair-bound (temporarily), she still placed others in priority and chose not to use the wheelchair, and to walk about by herself, despite the little pain with every step, just so that she doesnt have to trouble me more by having me push her around.
OH OH, played bball with the korean students, guys of course, during my class' break.
and one of them was just like, so freeaakkkkiningggggg tall can.
but ohwell, got thrashed then they had to go.
we continued playing amongst ourselves.
oh yea, isaac's birthday fell on this week, and i almost forget to post this, but happy birthday to you isaac, tho i've already wished you. see your birthday's now engraved on my blog. :D
went to support our school's badminton finals at jurong sports hall yesterday.
well we had a couple of giveaway matches, but the last doubles match of both genders were awesomely exciting. heh.
ohwell we lost overall, but i really agree with mr leow that we really cheered hard.
tho i didnt cheer much, but the feeling of emotional peaks were seriously there. heh
crap i love supporting games, kinda brought me back to my cat high days.. those feelings of deja vu i felt yesterday.
and! after the match we bumped into our ct. heh and no idea what made me do so, but i just asked her to treat us to pizza. surprisingly, she agreed. YAY :D
so 10 of us thronged into pizza hut and she bought 2 large pizzas for us.
however she had to leave to get over to her mom's house.
But really thank you Mdm Seetow, for the pizzas you agreed to treat us, and for not getting craaazy and start scolding spastically like some teachers when they're mad, when we don't hand up our work and we don't pay attention and stuff.
Mrs tan's leaving us to teach the j2s for their As.
so this is her last week with us.
feeling really sad actually.
to me it doesnt feel like losing a teacher, but someone more like a friend.
guess the bond's alr there between her and the class, or perhaps just me.. or am i just too sensitive, i dont know.
but still, we're gonna have pizza treat by her on friday. thanks mrs tan.
crap la, was cheerful and all when i first started posting this, but now that i've typed till here, feeling kinda emo alr.
sometimes we just dont seem to treasure the things and people around us do we? and only when they're gone do we realise their significance and the impact they've made in our lives.
yes, i know its no use crying over spilt milk, and i will try to stay strong, despite the many more challenges that're bound to cross paths with me, and to try clearing those that are already in my way.. adhering me to the wall.
things have gotten more or less better for me i guess.
the stares and looks i still get sometimes, i cant blame them for it.
i can only continue hoping.
Gee, no idea time passes so fast.
It's already past mid-may, coming to june.
just like that half a year's passed.
thinking about all the past times, mostly wasted.
everything seems to just be a piece of history in my life now.
everyday adds on to the memory in my mind.
perhaps one day i might forget all of them, perhaps then i can be finally be devoid of all feelings and thus be my true self?
spontaneous effort doesnt work. it takes prolonged ones to make people realise what they mean to you.
to all my friends out there, thanks for having been here always, if not most of the time.
to those I've frustrated, i'm sorry and hope things will work out alright.
to my future friends, make way in your life! for i'm gonna make a huge impact in it, or at least try to.
no idea why i've been so random these days.
the mood swings just keep coming and going.
and no i'm not having my period and neither am i ever gonna have one.
guess its just stress huh? or perhaps something wayyyyy deeper.
i'll just have to dig in slowly, one step at a time to find out the true meaning and problem then.
till then, i can only hope everyday passes smoothly and it is not wasted, like the many days that've already passed.
half a year to go, and i cant wait for the june hols.
quick come, then i can stay home all day and EMO. muahaha :D
gotta go mug for chem and math tests tmw, not to mention the chinese como we gotta write tmw.
urgh.
bear with me people, if i get upset with you or things like that.
i dont mean it nowadays.
just tend to get frustrated more easily than usually.
no i'm not having menopause.
anew? perhaps
Jordan finally got A for his 2.4 for NAPFA!
Like, for so long, from sec sch onwards, I always couldnt complete 2.4 within the A range.
But after lotsa training during the pe sessions and by myself, I am proud to say I ran a 10.05.
whoosh.
anw, tests tests tests!
physics lecture test today, was a killer man, at least it'll be better than my first lecture test.. heh
and had another piece of good news! econs make-up lesson was postponed to next friday, miraculously by miss law.
ohwell, but there'll be an econs lecture test next week tho, not to mention the math lecture test as well.
ohwell, stress is certainly building up ton by ton.
gotta keep up with it.
and cant let other factors bring me down anymore.
to you who's reading this, i'm sorry, for whatever wrong things i've ever done to you.
i believe in burying the hatchet and i dont know, perhaps someday everything'll be back to normal again.
cheerios
I don't want enemies.
I want a life with friends, and happiness.
I don't want awkwardness, the stupid feeling of shame and regret.
If this should really be the case, and continue on,
I don't want my life.
haha kiddin guys.
promised so many people i'm gonna be happy and stick to it.
not gonna let them down.
to this person out there, you know who you are, but now sure if you still do read my blog.
Friends are always there for you.
They're the ones just standing beside you, waiting for a chance, and opportunity to just reach out for your hand, and pull you back to them.
You are NOT alone, and stop thinking you'll just be putting a burden on everyone should they help you.
Your friends WANT to help you.
Don't push them away.
Don't push us away.
we're here
Jordan is fucking awesome, hell yea.
To those who have a feud with me, go ahead and hate me coz that would be what I feel towards you.
Stop being pathetic and try making me feel sad and bad and every shit.
I'm not backing down for no fucking reason anymore.
So those people out there, you know who you are, I'm not spouting any names, can just fucking shut your fucking mouths, watch your own fucking actions and see how your fucking lives change.
Let your lives be fucking better without me, for I don't wish to be in yours either.
gosh, this is actually kinda fun
Rose wine is quite nice, that I just realised.
Too many things, happening, too little time to take them all in, to adjust to them.
I will try to cope.
Thanks Wei Kok for the tags and at least there are people who share the same viewpoint as me that people should just use their own identities, and not hide behind their anonymous names.
Not saying I'm pissed off with whoever's been doing that at my tagboard, for I actually don't care whethere he or she wishes to use his or her real identity or not.
I'm just telling you, that I appreciate you coming to my blog and reading my posts, but please keep your views to yourself if there are negative. Why don't you go think about a situation where its you who's having such stupid lame stuff thrown at you.
I don't wish to use any vulgarities, so please just chill off.
I'm not what you think I am anymore.
I'm not gonna give in to whatever shit people throw at me, to the nonsense that they do.
Look, if you want people to do something, firstly you have to make sure that you yourself will do it too. So don't go asking people to do this and that, when you yourself commit the very same mistakes immediately after that. Its pathetic.
Why do something you can't even commit to yourself, you're like, asking people to stop this, do this, do that, yet you yourself continue doing them.
I believe, your mouth is fucking huge, want a whale stuffed down it?
Hearing your voice makes me want to puke.
Seeing you makes me want to punch your lights out.
But I've promised myself not to hurt anyone physically anymore.
Actually, I should pity those who are just like you, for they just make me sick.
No idea why people still crowd around you and think you're totally awesome and oh-my-wonderful.
And for your information, both the 'you's are different.
One is specifically about 'test', while the latter is about this random person who's just so unlucky I chose to hate. All the best to you.
fuck up and fuck off
Oh my God, this hurts like hell
I had that dream again where
I was lost for good in outerspace
Tell me, doctor, how to shake
A waking nightmare that is only
Worse when I am sleeping
Kill the messenger
I swear it's not me
It's just someone I used to know
And get to church cause you're a good girl
And I never told you that
And all I need from you
Could be the thing that
Leaves us both up here forever
I'm gonna send a little rain your way
I'm gonna send a little rain...
It's not so easy, caving in
I walked by your apartment twice today
When you were gone at work
And all the colors got so down
It's not as cold out here
But come quick, I am losing feeling
Kill the messenger
I swear it's not me
It's just someone I used to know
And get to church cause you're a good girl
And I never told you that
And all I need from you
Could be the thing that
Leaves us both up here forever
I'm gonna send a little rain your way
I'm gonna send a little rain, send a little rain
I'm gonna send a litte rain to pour down on you
Rain that makes the flowers bloom
Rain to leave you all alone
That keeps eyelashes falling
And wishes washed away
Kill the messenger
I swear it's not me
It's just someone I used to know
And get to church cause you're a good girl
And I never told you that
And all I need from you
Could be the thing that
Leaves us both up here forever
I'm gonna send a little rain your way
I'm gonna send a little rain...
i'm gonna send a little rain your way
Jack's Mannequin - Kill The Messenger
Thanks Justin for the wonderful introduction to Jack's Mannequin.
Someone please send a little rain down my way.
And let the storm clouds cover my despair.
What was it about my previous post, that I said I survived, and will try my best.
I'm a hypocrite, for the very next day, right now, everything has changed.
Things I used to laugh at, shall never seem funny anymore.
I give up easily.
I have given up on trying.
So many times, so many disasters, so many failures.
Every setback, pushing me further behind in life.
I don't know how to catch up, get back on track.
Why should I try? To fail and hurt myself, hurt everyone once again? To disappoint them even though knowing their expectations of me? Why do I even promise people that I'll try, when for all I know, I might just exhale my last breath anytime? Why, when I know that there is a high possibility that I'll disappoint them? Why Jordan, why you fuck-tard.
For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, let me just tell you, this isn't regarding my academics, even though its like shit too.
Things happen for a reason, but the reasons I know not of.
I bleed out in agony for that answer, just that one single answer that explains for everything.
Yet to no avail.
Blood continues trickling down, yet there's nothing I can do to stop the bleeding.
I'm turning pale, I've snapped.
Broken into many pieces just like a twig having been stepped on.
I am like, a frail twig.
I carry no meaning in this world, lying there motionlessly on the ground, and unfortunately enough, gets stepped on.
I am, a burden to those out there.
People have to sweep me away because I am ruining the beauty of my surroundings.
Twigs should have legs, so they can walk away themselves.
This time, I truly walk alone, along that ever-familiar dark alley of sorrow.
My life now hangs on a thread, for I've just discovered something even worse, you guys will never want to know.
This time, I'm keeping this problem, this situation to myself.
For I think to myself of what happened when I told people about my initial situation.
Nothing much, for I just increased the stress, the burden in them.
So why care for my, my friends.
Its not worth it, its wrong.
Care for the others around you, and don't waste your energy on me.
This time, I know what to do.
I don't wanna put stress and burden my friends anymore.
I'm keeping this to myself.
silence
