~Jordan

Thursday, April 30, 2009 @11:22 PM

Amanda SOH HUI ZHENtold me to post something cheerful, so here I am, trying hard to do so?

Actually, I don't know what to type. When she said, 'try to post something more cheerful!', I said okay, but right here, now at this posting page, I have no idea what to type, so MY BAD AMANDA.

Okay actually I might know abit.

No Amanda I'm not afraid of your kicks so go ahead and try, we'll just see if its you who laughs first, or me who yells out in pain eh?

Injured my shoulder while playing basketball yesterday.

Was alright actually yesterday, not very bad, but when I got up this morning it started to hurt like hell and if I were to just touch it, it'd hurt. (ouch)

Not to mention, other than the shoulder injury i got yesterday, there was also that short pain in the 'down-there' when Isaac and I collided while competing for the ball. (doubleouch)

I hereby promise myself, and to those who know about my situation, that I'm gonna try my best to get better, so don't yall worry, I'll take things in stride and not let them affect me too much.

Heading over to jon's house to celebrate his dad's birthday, meaning there'll be chocolate fondue again, (YES!) and none for you Yuelin.

Don't complain, I'll bring you to get some sooner or later alright?

And amanda! accompany me home.. I don't want lonely bus rides home anymore, coz I don't wanna emo in the bus anymore.

I used to be emo-jorjor, then turned into cheerful and fun-jorjor for awhile, yet now its back to emo-ing again.

I'm weird, I admit, but ohwell, thats just how life is eh?

I have decided to remain weird, but not to be so emo anymore.

Persevere jordan, you can do it, I think.

Try to find a certain factor or something, for you to hold on to, for you to believe in, so that it'll act as a pushing factor for you to stay on the right path, the right track.

keeping myself in the right mind is important, and i'll try hard, i promise.
things might have gotten out of hand, and i have decided to tackle other things and set my scopes further.
i am determined for i want to be strong.
for i wanna break the barrier between us.
for i want you.
grab my hand and never let me go.
tons of hugs to you.

jordan survives

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 @3:56 AM

Major depression is a disabling condition which adversely affects a person's family, work or school life, sleeping and eating habits, and general health.
Depressed people may be preoccupied with, or ruminate over, thoughts and feelings of worthlessness, inappropriate guilt or regret, helplessness, hopelessness, and self hatred.
Other symptoms include poor concentration and memory, withdrawal from social situations and activities, and thoughts of death or suicide.
Insomnia is common: in the typical pattern, a person wakes very early and is unable to get back to sleep.
Family and friends may notice that the person's behavior is either agitated or lethargic.
Most exhibit a loss of interest in school and a decline in academic performance.
They may be described as clingy, demanding, dependent, or insecure.

@1:21 AM

Why do you have to care so much to the extent that you have to bleed for me.
Now your blood lies on my hands, for I've indirectly caused you to act out your foolishness.
I promise you alright, that I'll try, I'll give my best.
But please, don't ask me to discover the truth, I cant take it, really I cant.
This situation that's here, its going to be extremely hard for me, and even if I get well, there is a high possibility that I fall back into what I'm currently having.
So what do you want me to do?
Yes, I promised you to try my best, but at what expense?
To get well, and get hurt all over again by my life?
I don't know what to do, but its a promise, and I wish to help myself too.
Perhaps when I get well, I'll view things in a much more positive way, and I'll learn to treasure what I still have in my life.
For someone like me to try and adapt a positive attitude, given this situation, I'm at a loss for words.
And with the knowledge of what you did to yourself due to my actions, I hate myself even more.
Like, why the fuck am I in this world for.
To continue what I'm doing right now?
I'm totally unhappy with my life, but who am I to complain?
There are so many others who have much more difficult lives than me, yet they're not complaining.
Whats the matter with me, why am I so damn effing weak?
Sensitive? But being fucking overly-sensitive is a good thing?
I don't know the path that leads on ahead of me.
Ever step I take, my vision seems to get darker and darker.
My legs seem to give way, and should I fall to the ground, what am I to do?
I've fallen for countless times, and for these countless times, I've picked myself up.
However, the bruises, the scars, still remain etched in my heart, tucked away neatly in the storage space, 'emotional distress', in my heart.
Am I becoming some freak show?
I need to have personal growth.
Perhaps I'm always at loggerheads with myself.
Things are totally different now.
I need to act my age.
I need to give it a shot, no matter how tough it is.

i promised

Saturday, April 25, 2009 @10:16 PM

Eight years later
Time goes by fast
Got my memories
And they will last
I try to keep it simple cause i hate goodbyes
I try to keep it simple by telling myself that
I, i will remember you
And all of the things that we've gone through
There is so much i could say
But words get in the way so
We're not together
I will remember you
I will remember you
We're a picture in my mind
When i want to find you
I just close my eyes
You'll never be that far from me
So don't say goodbye cause
You'll never be that far from me
I'm telling myself that
I, i will remember you
And all of the things that we've gone through
There is so much i could say
But words get in the way so
We're not together
I will remember you
You were there when i needed a friend
Thank you, thank you
I never told you how much that meant
Gotta thank you, thank you
I will remember you
And all of the things that we've gone through
There is so much i could say
But words get in the way so
I, i will remember you
And all of the things that we've gone through
There is so much i could say
But words get in the way so
We're not together, i will remember
We're not together, i will remember you
Yeah, i will remember you
Ryan Cabrera - I Will Remember You

Yes, there've been so many things I could have done to better my life, to better everyone's lives.
But I'm sorry, I've failed countess times.
Forgive me, for the mistakes, the blunders, the many things.
I'm goth? I don't think so.
There're so many people out there much more gothic than me, how can I possibly be goth.
I just wanna close my eyes, and wake up in a totally new world, where things are, different.
I want, a different life.
I want, to be a different Jordan.
Different, or indifferent?
I don't know, what's wrong with me.
Everything, once again, all over again.
Till death draws upon my last lingering breath, for my very vision shall blur, and things shall fade into a distant memory.
Cascading into what seems like a mirage, I consent.

i will remember you

@2:57 AM

I found God on the corner of First and Amistad
Where the west was all but won
All along smoking his last cigarette
I said, where've you been?
He said, ask anything.
Where were you?
When everything was falling apart.
All my days spent by the telephone.
And all I needed was a call
It never came
To the corner of First and Amistad
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late.
You found me, you found me.
But in the end
Everyone ends up alone
Losing hope
The only one who's ever known
Who I am, Who I'm not, Who I want to be
No way to know
How long she will be next to me
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late.
You found me, you found me.
Early morning
The city breaks
I’ve been calling for years and years…
And you’ve never left me no messages
Never sent me no letters
You’ve got some kind of nerve
Taking all I want
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor,
Where were you? Where were you?
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late.
You found me, you found me.
Why'd you have to wait?
You found me, you found me.
The Fray - You Found Me

The blood stays on my hand, for the mistakes I've committed.
What am i thinking? I can't turn back time and make everything just like what it was used to be.
As bad as things seem to be, there is nothing I can do.
I sit here, alone, so what if its a dark corner?
So what if there's a dark pool of blood beside me?
And, so what, if I really am the murderer?
Whats done is already done, there's no use trying to make it all come back again.
Blood's oozing out from my heart, adding to the already immense pool.
I was lost, but now, I've found myself.
Everything used to be fun, and happy.
Yet now, everything's turned pitch black.
Yet suddenly, comes another streak of red, and the tremendous pain that follows.
I yell out in agony, but lesser each time, for I'm already getting used to it.
Perhaps, one day, it wont affect me anymore, and no amount of stress shall hurt me.
Forget everything Jordan, why should you recall them every now and then and hurt yourself yet again.
Things have changed, and they dont go your way anymore.
Let it go, forget the past, and start anew.
Anew?
Whats 'anew'?
This word sounds so foreign to me.
I have to try and accept this word.
Perhaps once I've done so, I'll be able to change myself, into a better person perhaps.
But should I fail, ohwell at least I've tried.
I, shall live.

letdown.

@12:55 AM

I'm not the easiest person to love
I'm often the one who lets things go unresolved
Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
On The Side Of Me

I'm not too proud of some things
I've done in my life
The skeletons in my closet
Are too big for me to hide
Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Blessed Charity
You're on the side of me
on the side of me
Everyone needs a friend to hold
when it's cold outside
and there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
but you
I'm not the easiest person to love
But you, you've opened your heart to show me what I'm worth
'Cause you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
What a mystery
You're on the side of me
on the side of me
Everyone needs a friend to hold
when it's cold outside
and there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
I remember when nobody cared
Nobody cared
But you...
Yeah you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me

Corrinne May - On The Side Of Me

I know you're facing alot of problems, troubles, complications now, but I'm here for you.
Open up to me, things will be fine, and I can promise you that.
Where's the determined you I used to know?
The you who would ruffle my hair, poke me?
Quick, tell me that you're freezing cold and you wanna go pee so badly.
I miss hearing these things, I miss feeling that way.
I know it might sound stupid to you guys, but everything do, say, mean the world to me.
Get back into my open arms, let me hold you tight, for I will never let you go again, I promise.
There are so many things about you, I'd give anything up to experience. your smile, you laughter, your warmth, your love.
You constantly think of me, that I do know, and I'm grateful about that.
Just to let you know I constantly think of you too.
Well as if you don't already know.
You are trying really hard, and I can see that.
I'm proud of you, and you just gotta keep at it.
Don't worry, I'm here for you.
Don't think too much about everything, anything.
Happiness, its really hard to get for you isn't it.
Well, I can definitely tell you this, its right in front of you.
Its just whether you wish to look clearly, at who's there for you.

I know it won't be too long till I see you, I hear you,
I love you.

Friday, April 24, 2009 @3:51 AM

So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
And maybe, I'll find out
A way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
Run away with my heart
You run away with my hope
You run away with my love
I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go
I'll go wherever you will go

The Calling - Wherever You Will Go

Finally, I was able to have a great one-to-one talk with you.
Though we both didnt say much, and it was me trying most of the time, I'm glad we had that time alone to ourselves.
I'm glad I've been able to make you smile, and make you laugh.
For it hurts me to see you so down, so affected by everything in the world.
Dont keep everything inside, for I've done that before and ended up hurting myself way much more.
I wanna embrace you, and make you feel happiness again.
I know what I've done.
I'd give anything to see your smile again, to feel your happiness exuding again.
Dont say its impossible, you gotta try.
Dont say you dont know, coz nobody ever knows.
The many things in your life, some should be left on the trails, not to be carried along, for they will only weigh you down.
Leave behind all the sadness, all the unnecessary troubles and mishaps, and breathe in the fresh air again.
I'm here for you, for its just a natural thing for me.
Dont think that you're burdening me, for you are not.
Thinking about you, caring for you, feeling concerned for you, getting affected by what you say, have all become part of my life.
And, this part of my life, is really vital to me.
I dont want, and dont wish, to lose this part of me.
I dont wanna feel insecure.
I dont wanna feel sad anymore.
I dont wanna, lose you.
So keep trying, my love, and dont worry.
I'll be here to catch you should you fall.
Let me help you.

walk on, and let me follow in your footsteps..

Saturday, April 18, 2009 @6:20 PM

1. Depressed Mood

A person may report feeling "sad" or "empty" or may cry frequently. Children and adolescents may exhibit irritability.

2. Decreased Interest or Pleasure

A person may show markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, daily activities.

3. Weight Changes

Significant changes in weight when not attempting to gain or lose (a gain or loss of 5% or more in a month) may be indicative of depression. In children, this may also present as a failure to make expected weight gains.

4. Sleep Disturbances

Insomnia or sleeping too much may be a symptom of depression.

5. Psychomotor Agitation or Retardation

The person may be observed to be either agitated and restless or physically slowed down in their movements.

6. Fatigue

Deep fatigue or a loss of energy is a symptom of depression.

7. Feelings of Worthlessness or Guilt

A depressed person may feel that they have no value or they may feel inappropriately guilty about things they have no control over.

8. "Brain Fog"

A depressed person may have a diminished ability to think, concentrate or make decisions.

9. Thoughts of Death

A depressed person may have recurring thoughts of death, especially thoughts of suicide, with or without a specific plan.

Instead of acknowledging their feelings, asking for help, or seeking appropriate treatment, men may turn to alcohol or drugs when they are depressed, or become frustrated, discouraged, angry, irritable and, sometimes, violently abusive. Some men deal with depression by throwing themselves compulsively into their work, attempting to hide their depression from themselves, family, and friends; other men may respond to depression by engaging in reckless behavior, taking risks, and putting themselves in harm's way.

Bipolar disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated mood clinically referred to as mania or, if milder, hypomania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes or symptoms, or mixed episodes in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time. These episodes are usually separated by periods of "normal" mood, but in some individuals, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, known as rapid cycling. Extreme manic episodes can sometimes lead to psychotic symptoms such as delusions and hallucinations. The disorder has been subdivided into bipolar I, bipolar II, cyclothymia, and other types, based on the nature and severity of mood episodes experienced; the range is often described as the bipolar spectrum.

look at me, what am I turning into.

Friday, April 17, 2009 @5:35 PM

I wake up all alone
Somewhere unfamiliar
Been gone so many days
I'm losing count
When I think of home I see your face
Though I have to wait
You're so close yet so far
It's tearing me apart
What I would do to be there with you
You're so close yet so far
It's tearing me apart
What I would do to be back with you
I miss hearing your laughter
All the little things
Forgotten what it's like to hold you
Cuz where I am right now
So unforgiving
It's numbing everything
You're so close yet so far
It's tearing me apart
What I would do to be there with you
You're so close yet so far
It's tearing me apart
What I would do to be back with you(So promise)
No matter how long it takes for me to get back to you
You'll wait for me(I promise)
No matter how far away I go
I'll come back for you
Just wait and see
I miss being at home
I miss your face
Don't think I can wait
You're so close, yet so far
It's tearing me apart
What I would do to be there with you
So close, yet so far
It's tearing me apart
What I would do to be back with you

Hoobastank - So Close, So Far

Just wait and see, I'm gonna do what I've never done before.

@12:35 AM

The tide shall wash away my scenes of crime.
I shall begin anew, refreshed and alive.
To a new world I shall belong, never to fall nor falter anymore.
I shall live up to what I am, and abolish those who stand in my way.
I am, farewell.

Monday, April 13, 2009 @3:20 AM

Alot of things've been happening in my life, this time seriously too much for me to handle.
Things have gotten out of hand.
Some unexpected, and the others, which I really dont wanna remind myself about.
Perhaps I'm gonna end ALL THIS soon, really soon.
A simple move shall solve this, once and for all.
Thanks guys, for having stuck by me these days.
You're the stars in the skies which shine out just so brilliantly.
Really, thanks for everything.

Aut vincere aut mori.

Saturday, April 11, 2009 @7:53 PM

Thursday, April 9, 2009 @7:40 PM

Hey people, just got back from church.
Its GOOD FRIDAY!
Let's remember Jesus for His wonderful AWESOME sacrifice to save mankind from all sins.
Things've been pretty bad for me these few weeks.
Been in lots of difficult situations, broken down lots of times during the nights, many other sleepless nights, even more days of sch where I just sty quiet most of the time, and many many more.
You'd think, 'Oh my, whats happened to you Jordan? Whatever happened to the bright cheerful Jordan I use to know?'
Sometimes you control the things in your life, but however sometimes, they control you.
They take over your mind and make you go crazy with wild crazy thoughts.
They make you do silly things which you'll never dream of doing in your ENTIRE LIFE.
I really think that my life isnt worth much, its like, what I do everyday, is just, ordinary. My main point of this post is a prayer which has been said to work on all who's said it everyday in their lives, and I really hope that it'll work for me too and I can achieve more.

Dear Lord,
Oh bless me indeed!
Expand my boundaries!
Put Your hand on me!
Keep me away from evil!

I hope for the best to happen.
For life, for those around me, for everything I've done, for everyone I've let down.

Forgive me.