So tell me, why doesn't it happen to me?
Why can't I control my own freaking emotions, whatever I feel.
Everytime I look into myself, my body, my soul, my heart,
All I see is hatred, anger.
And I've always been trying to find a possible outlet for me to pour everything out on, to feel free, to BE free.
But I know I shouldn't have poured a single bit out at all,
no not even an inch of it.
Because something I've realised,
is that whatever emotions and feelings I have,
have been bottled up for many years, some even as long as 7 years.
You tell me to try controlling my emotions,
but I'm afraid!
I'm afraid of the harm I'd cause to people, to everyone,
should I try and end up pouring everything out AGAIN.
But I know I've promised you.
And I'm trying to look for the silver lining in that thick mass of clouds in the beautiful sky.
Or perhaps, looking for the hay in the needlestack, or maybe let's make it, 3 needlestacks piled up together.
What am I doing, I ask myself.
What have I done, perhaps to start with?
Just thinking about the many many people I've hurt before.
And you, even more than the rest.
I feel totally useless in bringing myself to face any challenges anymore.
These challenges have seemed to become the worst nightmare of my life.
They've seemed to become the well-known monster-in-the-closet of every child's mind.
To me, challenges are supposed to be an outlet for me to test myself, and usually, I used to come out on top.
This time, its not anybody else's fault.
Its mine.
I doubt myself, guys.
No, I don't doubt that I'm God's creation, because I'm sure that I am.
Like you've said, if I pray for the strength to continue on,
God sends me challenges.
If I pray for the wisdom for a test, God makes the test difficult.
If I pray for a smooth, steady relationship, God sends the storms, the huge tides our way.
But I want to hold you, grab hold of your hand, and tide through everything with you.
I need you to get me back to what I was before.
Like I've said, and probably what you've said too, its difficult.
But there's no harm trying isn't it?
Just, stay with me, by my side.
Let me feel your presence.
Then I'll be reminded of whatever you've promised me.
And yes, you ARE that silver lining in my life that I've always been looking out for, that I've always wanted to grab hold of.
The journey there is tough, extremely tough, but I'll bear it for you no matter what.
And, don't think that I'm doing this because of you.
I'm doing this,
because of us.
I love you.
I hope for you,
Wish for you.
